It’s day 33 of depressive episode # 4 where I talk about my travel to USA and the current state of my mental health. By now it’s a fun game where I am guessing how long it takes before I feel any better or resume my “normal” life.
Just to revisit, here is how long each episode has took before the darkness faded away:
#1: 4 months
#2: 8 months
#3: 6 months
Almost all days are meaningless. Waking up to ‘what am I doing here?’. There are only questions and not a lot of answers. I feel not quite at home even when I am with my immediate family, ever since I immigrated, I don’t even know what’s home anymore. Everywhere I go is strange, my identity is lost. Some days I feel like there is some fight left in me, other days seem like this is the absolute end of me.
That’s enough of how I am currently feeling, now let me delve into how’s the day to day looking like for now. Since I have all the free time in the world right now, I decided to visit New Jersey, USA to meet my brother and parents. I took the Greyhound bus (cuz cost effective) and it took me about 12 hours from Toronto Union Station to Newark Bus Station (all stops below).
Being my cautious self I was there at Toronto Union Station by 12 pm – about one and a half hour before the bus was expected to arrive. The wait was boring of course, just 10 minutes before the screen is updated with the gate number where the bus is expected to arrive. I headed to the gate where they checked my ticket and passport and helped me get my luggage on the bus.
It was a decent experience of travel to USA all in all. The only major stops were the immigration check at Canada-USA border where everyone gets off the bus, takes their luggage and goes through immigration. Right after this is done, the next stop is at Buffalo where the bus is emptied once again for cleaning and the driver is changed to continue the commute within USA.
P.S: The restroom in the bus is not recommended at all, it is to be used only in case of an emergency lol.
Anyway, when I got here to New Jersey it was a good feeling, it’s always good to reconnect with family. But the very next day my disassociation kicked in again. The same questions: what am I doing here? Do I even belong? Followed by the same routine of sleeping in late and waking up in the afternoon.
One silver lining today from travel to USA was a visit to Verona Park where I walked for about an hour and the place was pretty picturesque (see below):
Travel to USA
In the past, a walk/run at the park has motivated me to write as well so going to the park is always a good thing: https://reasonstolivefor.com/how-to-find-motivation-when-you-are-depressed/
The last update I have for the day is that I managed to connect with a professional who has been a business analyst in Canada for a long time. I am hoping to share my struggles with this individual in an attempt to get some mentoring which I can use to get back in the game. I am not sure how effective that will be but it’s worth giving it a shot.
The downside of being in the US (for another 2 weeks) is that I am missing out on gym. Even though I was going in for only two days a week but it was something I looked forward to. I now realize that even if I am not a big fan of working out, it is something that definitely helps me out. Note to myself to go to the gym regularly once I am back.
In case you missed the last update, head over here: https://reasonstolivefor.com/surviving-the-storm-today-day-10/