The clock strikes midnight once again and here I am thinking well, I survived another day but I can’t sleep with anxiety. Although I do feel tired physically but the mind does not stop ticking.
I know when I’m up in the morning i will be questioning my existence- why am i still here? The thought of dragging myself through the day putting it’s weight on me. It is not like this is the first time it is happening; in fact, I am kind of getting used to nights like these. I would give up anything in the world just to get a good night’s rest but for now, I can’t sleep with anxiety.
Given the fact that I am not comfortable however this is the time when I am at peace with myself. When everyone is sleeping but I’m the only one who is up. It is the perfect time to question my existence. They say what happens when humans use 100% of their, this is what happens I guess.
Where did everything go wrong? What did I miss? What could I have done otherwise? How can I feel better? How do I make this stop? When will I finally be happy? Did it all crash at a sudden or were there episodes where I kept falling and ultimately hit the ground? All sorts of questions keep running in my mind. There are too many of questions without any answers.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t think that holds true in my case because every time I fell, it was more difficult to get up again. And eventually the great fall came when I didn’t even bother standing up again. I am wondering what is even the point of it? The feeling is such that I do not have the energy to go over it once more. I can use a stop over, would be nice to put a short hold on this journey.
There comes a time when you say what’s even the point of trying? That point has come. I’ll just sit here, lie here, wait here as I see the world around me passing by. I will see friends moving on, lovers get married, colleagues climb the corporate ladder and relatives move abroad.
I’ll just keep wondering how great it would have been if i was moving along. But I haven’t moved in a while. This stopover, though it is a torture, at the same time it is sort of relaxing. It has made me numb to all emotions, I barely feel anything anymore.
In the end there are only questions and no clear answers. How long would i be stuck at this stopover? When is the next time that I will move? What is it (if anything) that will motivate me to make a move? Spent quite sometime trying to find my passion but I don’t think that is happening anytime soon.
Because it cannot go on like this. Not anymore. Really looking forward to the next stopover, but till then I must move. There is a great quote that I would love to share here:
“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
It is very difficult to shift your focus towards positivity in such nights when you can’t sleep with anxiety, but here is something that might help: https://reasonstolivefor.com/reminders-for-self-love/
I am sending lots of love to everyone who can’t sleep with anxiety.
Also, I would love to know how do you all cope in such nights, do let me know in comments below 🙂